You Are Hurting Yourself by Trying to Control Outcomes
Control is Mentally and Physically Restricting
When we compete, we often put more pressure on ourselves to perform well, as compared to casual play. There are countless variables in the pool room and in life, and we know it’s impossible to control everything, but that doesn’t stop some of us from trying to anyway.
Attempting to control outcomes and situations can cause greater stress and anxiety, less satisfaction, and heightened criticism of ourselves and others. Even worse, you may not even get what you want because “focusing on what we can’t control makes us less effective and potentially leads to the outcomes we fear the most” (verywellmind.com).
Exerting control over an outcome takes your energy and attention away from other options and opportunities that may exist (becomingwhoyouare.net). I know this from personal experience.
I would practice several hours a week, take lessons, work with coaches, go to tournaments several times a month, and play several nights of pool league a week, but hardly ever crack through to the middle or the top of the pack.
All because I try to control things. For years I had (and occasionally still have) the tendency to slow down, overthink, and reset toward the end of a game or match. It was habitual.
So why do we try to control things even though we don’t get good results? There are two main reasons why people try to control outcomes: self-preservation and fear of uncertainty. I’m guilty of both of these — what follows is what I learned to do about it.
We Desire Control to Preserve How We See Ourselves and How We Want Others to See Us
“They [(Baumeister, 1984; Baumeister & Steinhilber, 1984)] found that increases in pressure to perform well, brought about by such variables as competition, a cash incentive, or audience encouragement and expectancies, often resulted in a poorer performance. Baumeister, Hamilton, and Tice (1985) demonstrated that this effect seems to be largely due to self-presentation concerns.” — Jerry M. Burger (1989)
We Desire Control to Create a Sense of Safety
“A persistent desire or need for control may be linked to difficulty accepting uncertainty. By trying to exert control over every aspect of a situation, you may be trying to create a sense of security and predictability.” — PsychCentral
Commit to Follow Through
I struggled with the concept of letting go. How do I keep working toward my goals without clinging to the outcome? It felt like a paradox until I learned to commit instead of control.
“Committing to follow-through is like pulling an internal switch — after the switch is on, we do whatever it takes to make our decision real. When we shift from considering a decision to being in the state of commitment, we are clear and can proceed without reservation, conscious of potential consequences.” — Decision Education Foundation
Committing to follow through is an antidote to controlling behavior because you are acting from a place of empowerment instead of fear. When you do so, you choose what you want instead of what you don’t want. When I tried to control the outcome toward the end of a game, I consistently forgot that all I needed to do was the same thing I had been doing all along. But, instead of treating every shot the same, I would try harder, which indicated that I didn’t believe in myself.
These are some of the thoughts I was facing: “You’re no good if you miss this” “You should just quit playing because you’re never going to get any better” “You’re going to look stupid and let your team down if you miss.” They caused me to freeze and feel like it was my first time playing.
Phrases like “it’s just another shot” or “I’ve trained for this and I know how to do this” are much more effective, in my experience. They allow your body to relax so you can sink back into the subconscious mind that knows the steps that need to be taken (assuming you’ve trained your skills to a point where you can be comfortable with many shots).
How do you know if you have committed?
Sometimes when we aren’t confident but know we need to act we might take what I call an “anyway shot.” Here are a couple of examples: “I knew I would scratch but I shot it anyway.” “I knew I wasn’t lined up right but I shot it anyway.” Anyway shots can also occur after you’ve been distracted and you choose not to reset (“That guy walked right in front of my shot!”).
Anyway shots are the opposite of commitment to a decision. You have to feel ready for a shot, which sometimes requires pre-planning or regulating your emotions.
I got some advice on committing from Michael Glass. He told me, first, have a solid preshot routine, and after going through the steps, ask yourself if you’re going to make the shot. If the answer is not an “emphatic yes” then start over. If it’s not an emphatic yes, you haven’t committed.
Good things can happen when you commit to follow through. Give each shot your best effort and allow the result to just be the result. If you miss, at least you gave yourself the best chance to make it and you can learn from those moments.
“The only thing in your control is effort. That’s all, and that’s everything.” — Mark Cuban
Final Words of Encouragement
“Don’t let it eat you.” — Alex Lely
Letting go of control can allow for increased peace and relaxation, better preparedness for the unexpected, and an enhanced connection with self and others (verywellmind.com).
Most likely, you haven’t gotten the results you wanted from being controlling. When you let go of control, you get out of your own way.
If you’re like me, you’ll understand this logically much faster than it takes you to put it into action. We may have all the knowledge in the world but if there is a lifetime of bullshit to unravel, then the new way of being can’t emerge. For full disclosure, it took me at least 3 years to figure out how to do this, so I know it’s not easy.
If your past beliefs are blocking you from letting go of control, I encourage you to find out what that block is, the core belief that makes you cling to certain outcomes. Then have grace while building up your new thought patterns.
These articles may be a good place to start if you’re new to this practice (these links will take you away from medium.com — 11 Steps To Let Go Of The Need For Control, From A Psychologist & 5 Tips to Cope with Things You Can’t Control).
Remember: Trust your training. Have fun. There will always be more games and tournaments. Losing is not the end of the world.
No, you won’t always get the results you want no matter how prepared or positive you feel. But sometimes, when you don’t get the results you expect, you get exactly what you need. And other times, it can open a door to something better than you imagined.
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Pocket Watch: A blog to share the lessons learned about the mental game of pool and billiards written by a competitive pool player on her road to pro. (#02)
